By Anna Huntley
With (unwelcome) commentary by Jess Delby
1. It has all my It Girl news
What? How can you be bored already? I’ve only done ONE point on the list
Yeah, well it’s not a very exciting one. You need to grab people’s attention
Oh really? Like how?
Like ‘this website will fight gun crime’ or something
WHAT? Are you MAD? When would I be fighting GUN CRIME?
Anyway, what sort of news do you have?
What do you mean?
I mean, your first point is ‘It Girl news’
So, go on then. What’s your ‘It Girl news’?
I…well, I can’t think of anything right now…
FINE! Fine, I’m sure I can think of some news
I totally will
Any minute now
I know! My Labrador, Dog, ate a whole dictionary last weekend. The whole thing! He must have been working on it for a couple of hours while Dad and I were out at lunch
Dog ate a dictionary
Yes! I know!
That’s your It Girl news? That’s how you’re luring people in to your website? By telling them about your DOG eating a dictionary?
Nothing. Let’s move on to point 2
2. It looks super pretty
Who did the design anyway?
Someone very clever and artistic
You should have asked that nerd Connor to do it. He does loads of illustration
Connor is not a nerd. He’s cool
You’re only saying that because he likes Iron Head and other Marvin comics
Iron MAN. Not Iron Head! And, for the last time, it’s MARVEL
Whatever, no one cares
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE CARE
Whoa, calm down loserface, keep your Ghostbusters pants on
How did you know I was wearing Ghostbusters pants?!
I saw them when you bent down to pick up your laptop. They’re kind of embarrassing if I’m honest
They’re my favourite pair
Let’s go to point 3. You’re weirding me out
3. It has exclusive content
Nothing! Well, it’s just, you know, that’s funny
Why is that funny?
What kind of exclusive content? Like your fascinating Dog-eating-a-dictionary updates?
No, this is different from news. I’ll be posting blogs on my thoughts and stuff
So…more lists like this boring one?
This isn’t boring! But, yes, lists like this one
You know, Jessica, sarcasm isn’t very attractive
Neither are Ghostbusters pants
4. You can read all about Katy Birchall and her writing
Don’t be rude
Who is Katy Birchall?
Duh, you don’t know who she is?
No. Who is she?
I can’t believe you don’t know who she is! You are so uncultured
Well, who is she then?
Oh Jess, you simpleton. This has made me chuckle
You don’t know who she is, do you?
Of course I know who she is
PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE
What! What, I wasn’t going to do anything!
You were going to google her!
Look, just because you’re completely ignorant to these sort of things, doesn’t mean everyone else is
You don’t know who she is
Well, I will any minute now when you give me my phone back
You’re a moron
5. You can watch vlogs on books, cool products and stuff
Is this the last point on the list?
Yes, Jess, this is the last point on the list
Pretty boring one to end it on if you ask me
Yeah? And how would you have ended it?
I told you my gun crime suggestion. Something like that
I’m not fighting gun crime
Pretty lame It Girl if you ask me
IT GIRLS DO NOT FIGHT GUN CRIME
And that’s why lists like this are so boring
They wouldn’t be so boring if you didn’t keep scribbling all over them!
Hello, my bits are the only interesting parts
Fine. If this is so boring, what do you want to do then?
Hide your dad’s laptop and watch his head explode while he searches frantically for it?
That’s actually not a bad idea
I thought it was pretty good
It’s at moments like this that I’m proud to call you my best friend
I’ll hide the laptop, you get the popcorn. Ready to go?
Before we go, I actually think your website is actually OK
Yeah, it’s not bad
That means so much to me!
Your praise means everything!
You are a glorious person full of kindness and wisdom! Beautiful Jessica of joy and light!
I hate it when you do this
I am grateful I have been blessed with such a friend! Such a friend!
You’re so annoying
Jessica, my heart bleeds in thanks!
Stop it now
Go forth brave nation and worship Jessica Delby, an icon to us all! Your name will live on forever more!
I hate you